I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
A Short Story.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.