@jake_lach Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do
He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
@jake_lach 
@jake_lach When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@jake_lach 2 hours into dieting] omg I’m so lightheaded
@jake_lach If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
@jake_lach Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
@jake_lach Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
@jake_lach She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me
@jake_lach She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance
@jake_lach In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.
@jake_lach Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?