@jake_lach

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

@jake_lach

When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping

@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?

@jake_lach

Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me

@jake_lach

She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance

@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?