Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.