Funny Tweeter

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Page of jake_likes_naps's best tweets

@jake_likes_naps : [gets down on 1 knee with ring box] GF: OMG! Me: Babe? GF: Yes? Me: One ring to rule them all. [I put on the ring and vanish forever]

@jake_likes_naps: [in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said... *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@jake_likes_naps: [spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]

@jake_likes_naps: HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

@jake_likes_naps: The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@jake_likes_naps: Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It's just that you named a Spotify playlist "LET'S GET DIVORCED"

@jake_likes_naps: [accidentally calls teacher "mom"]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what's for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

@jake_likes_naps: I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you--
"Yeah... Here it is"
[she lends me her phone charger]