A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him