Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.