HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.