Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.