6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water