How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Chicago sounds lovely.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police