Funny Tweeter

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Page of jamdugg's best tweets

@jamdugg : There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.

Guess which one you’ll end up with

@jamdugg: *speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: ...oh...

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@jamdugg: I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@jamdugg: *Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother's eyes!

And her father's nose!

And her drunk uncle's motor skills!

@jamdugg: Google HR: do you have any questions?

Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it

Google HR: you’re hired

@jamdugg: *Calling Chinese Restaurant*

CR: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”

CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”

Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason...”

@jamdugg: *first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on...

@jamdugg: *throws in the towel*

*misses*

@jamdugg: I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary

@jamdugg: *cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*