Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jamdugg's best tweets

@jamdugg : *cactus hasn’t died in a year* *adds botanist to resumé*

@jamdugg: cop: do you know why i pulled u over?

me: was i speeding?

cop: no

me: was my tail light out?

cop: no

me: is it because u need a hug

cop: yes

*hugsies*

cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk

@jamdugg: *in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo...

Me: *dies*

@jamdugg: College: Wake and Bake

Now: Woke and Broke

@jamdugg: I’m so fat and poor, I only have one diabete

@jamdugg: I’m so fat, Leonardo DiCaprio drew me like two of his French girls

@jamdugg: *Uses the 5 second rule with soup*

@jamdugg: Friend: "Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?"
Me: "Sure"
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* "magnanimous"

@jamdugg: Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*

@jamdugg: I’ve smoked a lot of weed in my day. And my day was today.