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@jamdugg : There’s plenty of fish in the sea. There is also a pile of trash the size of Texas.
Guess which one you’ll end up with
@jamdugg: *speed dating*
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
@jamdugg: I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
@jamdugg: *Parents admiring their new baby*
She has her mother's eyes!
And her father's nose!
And her drunk uncle's motor skills!
@jamdugg: Google HR: do you have any questions?
Me: if I had any questions, I’d Google it
Google HR: you’re hired
@jamdugg: *Calling Chinese Restaurant*
Me: “Hi, I just ordered $40 of food for delivery?”
CR: “Yes, is there something wrong with your order?”
Me: “Well, no, but you gave me two sets of chopsticks for some reason...”
@jamdugg: *first date*
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on...
@jamdugg: *throws in the towel*
@jamdugg: I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary
@jamdugg: *cactus hasn’t died in a year*
*adds botanist to resumé*