Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.