What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.