Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.