Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You Might Also Like
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**