What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are