If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.