End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?