Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair