Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[eulogy]
line?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago