I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times