Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge