You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
You Might Also Like
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew