Smooooooth
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
just witnessed a drug deal
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.