Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Yes, this is exactly right
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast