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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Breaking news:
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly