will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
School be like
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.