maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…