Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You Might Also Like
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Happy Febuary everyone!
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Bill is short for Billiam
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too