My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news