@jctwritesstuff

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

@jctwritesstuff

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

@jctwritesstuff

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

@jctwritesstuff

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

@jctwritesstuff

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*