No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.