@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

@jctwritesstuff

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@jctwritesstuff

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

@jctwritesstuff

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@jctwritesstuff

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.