I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
how was your vacation
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I can fix him.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.