My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?