Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
(2022)
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place