Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]