Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”