Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.