The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something
Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.
If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.