If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.