Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors