genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
time machine? you mean a clock?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday