where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
a lot to unpack here
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Canada has crack?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.