I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.