I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I have never related to a cat more