I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.