My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.