My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
the noise i just made
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I missed you with all my darts
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
That’s not how days work.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or