you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work
My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”
The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”
A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.