@jenstatsky

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@jenstatsky

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.

@jenstatsky

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

@jenstatsky

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

@jenstatsky

A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.