Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”