@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@jessforaminute

Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America’s Next Top Model or the Hamburglar