Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
You Might Also Like
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Can’t. Being lazy.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.