@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

@jessokfine

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

@jessokfine

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@jessokfine

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@jessokfine

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

@jessokfine

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks