When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks