How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.